She was Kashmiri, you could tell! She was as fair as the
snow, beautiful and elegant and when she smiled her cheeks turned an apple red
just like her nose did when she was angry. Her eyes shimmered like the Dal lake
and her beauty stayed with you long after you had left her company. She
had to be Kashmiri.
I first saw her sitting at the window of the college bus.
She had her face turned away towards her friend and suddenly she threw her head
back and laughed turning towards the window. I was left rooted to the ground as
the laughter sparkled in her eyes and then spread all along her countenance. It
was like watching a flower bloom, captured on film and then sped up so it felt
like it was all happening then. The bus sputtered to life and moved away and it
was a long while later that I realised that the only movement I had since made was
to let my eyes follow the bus as far as they could. I was thunderstruck
and willed myself away to the drudges of life that no longer seemed as
miserable as a while ago. Believe it or not I would soon forget all about her
existence.
The next I saw her was a result of boredom almost six months
after lightning had first struck. A friend was going out to meet someone and I
in my boredom decided to tag along, an unwelcome tag but I think he went to bed
thanking my intrusion. I, on the other hand, still am not sure. It is by now obvious
who met that evening but what isn’t obvious is that she too had brought a
friend along. Whether that was another instance of intrusion I never came to
know but what I know is that it had been a moonless night; until then. As she
glided towards me the darkness seemed to vanish, those lakes in her eyes still
shimmered and so lost was I in them that I missed her name. I think that was
the last time she glanced at me that evening and I spent the next few hours
with her friend having quite a fun time I have to admit, but this time I was
not to forget her existence.
Actually I saw her almost daily since, initially by
coincidence I believe but with time I feel my eyes just found her out. We studied
in the same college and so my eyes often found her. Found her as she fussed
over her books by the library, found her as she drank at the water cooler, found
her while she playfully hit out at the guy hitting on her, found her when she
seemed lost in thought, as she twirled that errant lock that had slipped on to
her cheek twice before she tucked it back in place. And while my eyes found her,
the rest of the world seemed to obliterate, there would be a buzz around but no
sound, a sea of shapes but only blurs in my sight, no smell nor taste I could feel.
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t stalking her. These 'sightings' were few and far
in between and at other times I still continued to be my gregarious,
whole-hearted, flirty self.
She, as far as anyone could tell, remembered me as much as
the moon on that moonless night. But then slowly something changed, those locks
seemed to misbehave a little more than usual and the third twirl of her fingers
seemed longer and playful, the smile seemed to linger a little longer and the
eyes seemed to flick sideways, fix towards where I stood just for a moment
before making their way over to the object of her desire. I knew her name by
now and much else that I wasn’t sure if I needed to but I didn’t know if I,
myself existed.
And so I didn’t know for another two years until that last
day before vacations started. That day the eyes didn’t flick past me, the errant
lock wasn’t tucked away and she smiled straight at me. It was like the sun
shining through on a foggy winter morning, it felt like someone had poured warm
chocolate straight into my heart and I beamed back at her. I do not know what
to make of it but I 'felt' my own smile that day. As I stood there that smile
felt like my only existence, like my body wasn’t there, like my heart wasn’t
beating and like there were no lips smiling, just a pure bundle of warmth and
energy that was beaming. I cannot describe that feeling, that smile, that
warmth but I can say I have never felt that way again. I don’t know how long it
was that we smiled at each other, time I believe had stopped. I don’t quite
remember anything afterwards except that I didn’t see her until almost two
months later.
Two months later when I saw her, it was again as she sat in
a bus. This wasn’t a college bus and she had her entire luggage loaded in and
there were a lot of people waving goodbye to her. I stood at a distance watching,
not sure what expression I was wearing and she had those eyes fixed upon me. Those
eyes that shone brilliantly enough to light up the world yet were deep enough
to hide you from its glare. From that distance I could see that those
shimmering lakes were brimming today yet she was smiling at me, neither a warm
smile nor a forlorn one; just a smile. I could tell that for her too at that
moment nothing else existed, not the cacophony of the bus engines and horns, neither
the smell of freshly brewing tea nor the garish banners of the upcoming
festivals; nothing existed but a young man with disheveled hair, a lopsided
shoulder and a stupid grin. The bus moved along but neither did her gaze leave
me nor did mine. It was a long while later, when my friend placed a cup of tea
in my hand, that I realised that the bus was gone and a longer while later that
she was too.
I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about her
since but I have never wondered what it was that transpired between us nor have
I ever tried to decipher that parting gaze from her. It was special whatever it
was and I still do not know what I should call that feeling I felt when I
smiled that day. I have never mentioned her to anyone nor have I any hidden
mementos pressed in withered books. I would probably have never even written
this down had it not been for the indomitable Gulzar writing
Hamne dekhin hain un aankhon ki mahakti khushboo
Haath se chhoo ke ise rishton kaa ilzaam na do
Sirf ehsaas hai ye rooh se mahsoos karo
Pyaar ko pyaar hi rahne do koyi naam na do
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